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Today's Featured Biography
Jon-Michael Emery
Let's see. Well, after graduation--which, by the way, was perhaps the most boring couple of hours in my entire life--I moved to the Philippines. My intention at the time was to make a permanent life there...but, 10 months into my "new life" I almost died of poisoning. I was poisoned on purpose by an unknown individual, and although I used to wonder why somebody would do that to me, now that I am older and wiser, the answer is surprisingly simple: somebody in the Philippines was jealous of the fact that I am taller than midgits. You see, while I am half Filipino, pure-blooded Filipinos are notorious for being confused as midgits.
I jest, of course, but let me reassure those of you who may not have a sense of humor--or are married to a midgit--that I do not hate either Filipinos or midgits...except for that little evil mysterious midgit that poisoned me. Anyways, after 3 months of recovery, I was strong enough to return to America--which kinda sucked, because EVERYONE in America is an American--whereas, in a foreign country like the Philippines, ONLY A FEW SPECIAL PEOPLE SUCH AS MYSELF WERE AMERICAN. What does this mean, exactly? Well, it means that it's COOL to be an American...as long as you're not in America. Here at home, nobody cares that you're from the United States. "Big Deal!" says all your fellow Americans. But overseas, being an American makes you a celebrity...like Tom Cruise...but without the money, looks, or fame. Okay, so it's a fake, delusional-induced celebrity that exists only in your head...but, it feels better walking down the street than it does here!
I think I ranted too long, so I'll make this short. Currently, I'm still in Bremerton. I have a daughter named Abby, who's 3 years old. I work in my family's restaurant called "Lumpia Express." For those of you who know what lumpia is, I'm sure you are aware that our restaurant is the ethnic kind which serves traditional midgit-style food.
Um...I currently do not have a girlfriend or am married. In the past year, I have learned that women are naturaly evil, and to date one is akin to becoming a human sacrifice at a satanic ritual. I could make my life so much simplier by just becoming a homosexual, but I cannot do that because men are too damn ugly. Between all the ugly men, and all the evil beautiful women, I have decided to finally chase my dream...which is to be a writer. A humourist, actually. Hence, instead of believing in the power of love, and all that crap, I spit in Cupid's face and just write. I am in the process of sending a few of my works out to various places, and I believe that once the right person reads what I wrote, I will be on my way. I have full faith in this belief, because I am jaded enough as to not have faith in anything else.
So, that's it...Honestly, there are only five or six people from our class that I actually remember. Nonetheless, I think most of you can say the same thing...and I am willing to bet that I am not one of those five or six people. But, hey...we're all Americans, so, "Big deal," right? I may not remember a lot of the faces from high school, but I definately remember how awkward life was as a teenager. Man, I'm sure glad I'm not 17 anymore...I HATE acne!
Take Care,
Jon-Michael V. Emery
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